Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
