If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Randomize
