I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
