My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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