i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
