My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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