Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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