The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
