hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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