If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
And then my night got REAL pukey
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
