My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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