WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
