So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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