I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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