i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
