im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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