two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
3 2 1 whiskey
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
