His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize