god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
