how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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