Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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