Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
