Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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