Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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