walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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