i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
