Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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