your parents love me but you hate me
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
