Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
