Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
