I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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