You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
