So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
