I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
