Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize