this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize