That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
