Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
