This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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