she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
