I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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