perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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