I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
