dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
