I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
