Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
