the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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