I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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