Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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