My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize