A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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