First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize